Then There's Me

I am uncertain where to begin my story. There was once a time, had it been before my coming of age, a time of carefree innocence, when it would have been quite easy for me to tell you who I am and what I am meant to do, giving little to no thought of what it meant for the connection between you and I. Unfortunately, this has not been the case of late. At present I am plagued with the responsibility to become someone I am not to satisfy the obligations that were bestowed upon me without question. On some days, most days, I like to think that I am an unrewarded hero fulfilling the duties that are less appealing among my glorified siblings. I keep my sanity at bay that way. I fulfill necessary duties. I am an indispensable evil.

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It hadn’t been long since I arrived in this little town. The air was crisp and breezy and the aroma of fresh pine wood and peppermint hovered about engaging your best senses- a homey town. It was not quite what I had anticipated since, like the others, it was closer to the bustling metropolitan than the serene country side. The afternoon sky was a breathtaking painting composed of vibrant auburn tones that delicately rested on the canvas of blue. It was a welcomed change from the irksome places I have travelled the last few days. There were no buildings that rose high enough to become a staircase to the heavens. There was no pungent odor of rotting garbage and old car exhaust. There were no suits and ties, no clamoring noises of high heels striking the pavements. It was quite something. Somehow, it prompted memories of my home. Not home the place, but home the feeling. The home of my youth. A cherished feeling that I have nostalgically longed for since the day I left.

On cue, cutting me off from my thoughts that would have sooner or later proven to become self-destructive, my gaze was averted to the entrance of the cozy coffee shop I had been sitting in. The chimes suspended by the door from a thin cord gave a high pitched ring. It is important to note that very seldom am I impressed by anything or anyone. Call it cynical if you must. Yet, when the heavy doors parted my breath hitched in my throat and had I not known better, I would think my jaws dropped farther than the depths of hell.

That’s her.

I had been informed by my eldest brother that her beauty had been beyond belief. I had not believed it until now. It was as if she was blessed by- no- she was the embodiment of Aphrodite. Her aura felt as strong and grounded as the wisdom of Athena. Her skin was pure undiluted chocolate dipped in gold when the light shone at the right angle. Her hair, my God, her hair. A blend of curls and coils that sat atop her head, crowning her existence without her even knowing. Everything about her was alluring to me, a man who had not been with a woman for quite some time. As I was confident everything about me was appealing to her, the way it was inevitably designed to be. Thus, it was no surprise when I noticed her graceful strides towards my table. This will be quite an ending.

“Pardon me, is this seat taken?” she asked, gesturing to the wooden chair in front of me with a smile. Her voice resonating like a choral of angels.

“Not at all. Be my guest.” I tried my best to sound composed, but now that I think about it, I’m not sure if I sounded as smooth as I would have liked. I sipped my cold coffee. I had been waiting here for her for some time. I could feel her gaze penetrating the caramel layers of my skin. On occasions when I would catch her she smiled nervously fiddling with her delicate fingers displaying an attractive childish innocence. Her smile was hypnotizing. I think of all the people I’ve met she might have been my favorite. Quite the anomaly. Her long gazes through soft eyes and childish innocence that opposed her strong grounded aura all summed up to an enigma even I could not decipher. Even my yearning to understand her, for me, was a mystery.

Snap out of it.

“You’re fidgeting”, I said gazing at the bottom of my empty coffee cup with a friendly smirk.

“Yeaaa… I’m sorry”, she whisked her hands from the table to her lap chewing on her lip nervously.

Don’t be.

I smiled.

“So…,” she leaned forward slightly baring her cleavage, though, I assume not deliberately. “Nice weather we’re having huh?” I couldn’t quite decrypt the expression on her face.

“You’re asking me about the weather” I chuckled, leaning forward to the table anchoring myself on folded arms mimicking her pose. Though not nearly as graceful and effortless as her.

“Yea, I guess so,” she grinned revealing all pearly whites.

“What do I call you?” I responded instead; leaning back gazing directly into her eyes, or rather, drowning in the pools of honey she possessed for eyes.

“Omodara. And you?,”.

I know.

“The weather is indeed very pleasant, Omodara”.

“Yes. Yes it is.”

She leaned back to her chair pulling out a book from her bag- “The Sun is Also a Star”. When she started reading the silence became deafening. I thought of saying something multiple times to break the ice that had wedged itself between the conversations. Cutting me off from solving the mystery that was her.

Or was the mystery what I was feeling?

“Tell me about yourself Omodara” I begged, hopeful that I had sufficiently disguised the eagerness in my voice.

She peeped her head from her book just for a second, staring directly into my eyes.

I wonder what she saw.

“Tell me your name”.

“You drive a hard bargain,” I laughed quietly. “Okay, you win, call me Than”.

“Than?” Omodara cackled. “What exactly were your parents thinking?” she finished, barely managing to get the words out through her laugh.

“I’m glad at least one of us finds it funny” I responded acknowledging her share of humor.

“I'm sorry” she stopped. Her smile gone and gaze no longer fixed towards me she stared wistfully at the book now resting on the table. A pensive state. Anxiety washed over my whole body, unable to tell what she was thinking in that moment.

Without a word, her eyes became soft, directed toward me again. “Tell me about you, Than. Everything”.

Her request was compelling- serious even.

It wouldn’t hurt telling her the truth.

No. I musn’t.

“Well”, I started, “I was born by the river,” I smiled hoping for a reaction, an expression, something, but she only watched with intense eyes eagerly waiting for more. “Ummm, I am the last of four children and the least regarded among my siblings. At childhood, we saw very little of each other, being separately raised in preparation for the lifelong roles we would take on in the… uh… family business. Now that I think about it, had I not been shielded by the purity and virtue of youth, those years would have been quite as lonesome as these. My eldest brother, Ben, was always on the move. He rarely had time which was quite the irony. We infrequently saw him but no one made much of it. The second eldest is vivacious, a people person. He is the most loved. He does whatever he desires with little to no regard of man or God. A favorite, just like my sister. Much like you she is a beauty.” I paused, enchanted by her look of pleasure, discerning that I called her beautiful. “She is the quintessence of grace, gentleness, and care, in essence she is Love. I, the youngest, I am perceived by many to be the black sheep. I am unwelcomed in most homes. I am frowned upon the most, respected the least, yet my roles are as important as any other. I have never loved, never been lo..”

“I can’t fathom why anyone would not love you as they love your siblings,” Omodara interjected. “Had I known you sooner, and had the circumstances been different, I would have possibly fallen head over heels in love with you.” All timidity vanished from her face. Her words as smooth and slick as butter.

And I you, Omodara.

“So, will you now tell me of Omodara?” I begged yet again. Waiting like a child for the sounds of her voice to ring sweetly in my ears. A tone I have committed to memory.

“I know who you are and why you’ve come” she responded plainly and confidently after a long pause, avoiding my searching eyes. Certainly, she could not have known me. I am the unknown. Yet, I was taken aback by the assertion of her tone.

“You are Death. I have had many dreams of you but I had not imagined you would be so kind and sweet. I too was guilty of unwillingness to invite you into my home. I had not thought that you would have spent eons without the warmth of companionship and joy love. I had not expected that you would come to me as a vilified man for doing that which is necessary and for that, I am deeply apologetic, Thanatos”.

Had I not been quietly sitting here and hearing this with my own ears, I would not have believed it. I have walked this earth for eons as conduit to Purgatory. Never have I felt that I had left myself in that place, yet, here I sat feeling as though I have been released from Purgatory on the judgment of a woman, who, up until a few hours ago was barely a thought.

What now?

“Do you fear me?” I whispered. My voice held no anchorage.

She smiled, responding, “If it brings you any solace, know this; we do not fear death. We fear dying, for which, you are not responsible. I fear neither,” she stopped, “We fear what we do not understand. Today, I understood you”.